The Times of Day
by Puff Pastry Breadbug
Summary: Dawn's off-key singing, Noon's excessive shopping, and Dusk's tea obsession... Will the Lower House ever have any peace? Not on my watch, they won't. FINISHED!
1. What Dawn Does in her Free Time

What Dawn Does in her Free Time

**(A random story based on the book series 'Keys to the Kingdom', by Garth Nix. I portray Dawn with a bonnet or hat of any sort, Noon with a bowler hat, and Dusk with a large top hat! Also, I have only read the first two books, so bear with me if details are not correct.)**

Dawn was sitting on a window seat, overlooking the Lower House and its odds and ends, random passageways and doors into thin air. She was humming to herself, a random tune she had heard Lord Arthur Monday singing to himself, a tinkling little tune from the Secondary Realms. Dawn added words of her own to it: "I am so-o bor-ed, I could ju-ust cry, saddening, saddening, saddening, saddening, I am ready to die! Hey, that wasn't half bad!"

"What was that?" it was her older brother Noon, standing in the doorway, his golden tongue randomly slipping in and out of his mouth. "It was terribly off-key."

"Hey! That's rude! Anyway, I don't know what to do!" Cried Dawn, lolling her head about in despair, her silver tongue hanging limp.

"Want to come to a trade market nearby? I hear they have many Secondary Realms diseases. At the moment, the most popular is something called 'Swine Flu', shop number 'H1N1', but it's usage is quickly declining. I personally want some."

"No, I don't want a disease." Dawn already had some Swine Flu in the bathroom. "I want something to _do,_ not wear or use."

"Guess what's on this paper!" Monday's Tierce, or Suzy Turquoise Blue, burst through the door, her hands full of paper covered in a Secondary Realm print. "It sez that this is a song from Arthur's Realm. It even gives ya the notes!"

"Let me see that!" Dawn yanked the flurry of papers out of Suzy's hands and dropped them on the table. The writing was not spindly and smudged like in the house, but a prefect, neat print, obviously made with some Secondary Realm machine. Dawn read avidly, soaking in every word, every note.

"I've got it!" she yelled triumphantly.

"Got what?" Sounded an annoyed voice. Dusk trotted into the room, his top hat of choice today so tall it touched the ceiling **(AN: Dusk has many top hats of varying sizes and tallness – I just made this up.) **His black tongue was reaching for a piece of food on his upper lip.

"I'll take up SINGING!" Dawn announced, twirling around happily.

All movement ceased to happen in the Lower House.

Ink-Fillers, from First to Eighteenth Class, dropped the corked bottles to the floor, black ink splashing over their shined shoes.

Thesauruses of all ranks barricaded themselves behind books, stuffing their ears with paper for earplugs.

All the Denizens ran inside their homes and other random buildings, as if Nithlings were attacking.

Noon backed out of the room.

Dusk lowered his top hat to the floor, hiding underneath its immensity.

"What?" Dawn asked innocently, looking at the silence around her.

"Nothing, nothing," murmured Suzy, running out of the room.

"Okay, I'll start with this song…"

When Lord Arthur Monday and Tuesday entered the Lower House, he was met with dead silence, nobody in the streets like usual. Then, in the air around him, a squeaking high note exploded. It sounded like sandpaper against sandpaper.

_Beeeee-yoootiful Soo-oooup_

_ Beeeee-yoootiful Soo-ooup_

_ Soup of the Ee-evening _

_ Beeyotiful Sooooooo-oooooup!_

Arthur dodged out of the streets and into a weirdway he had constructed than ran to the Atrium. Inside, the sandpaper shrieking was even louder than before, bursting his eardrums and giving him a migraine. He ran up a large sweeping staircase Dame Primus had constructed for herself and into the living quarters, where Dawn was standing proudly on a makeshift stage (the dining table), and Dusk, Noon, Suzy, and some other Denizens clustered at the foot of it, cotton obviously leaking out of their ears as earplugs.

"Wasn't it just _fabulous_?" asked Dawn earnestly, peering towards Arthur.

Arthur forced a strained smile onto his face and answered, "yes, just lovely."

"Oh, I knew it!" Dawn squealed happily, hopping in satisfaction. "I'll have Suzy print out more!"

All the people in the room turned towards Suzy angrily. She tried to hide herself behind her coat.

"I'll be the best singer in all the House and the Demesnes!" Dawn declared, looking over the remaining pages in her hands. "I'll sing every single day for you guys!"

Dusk ran into the adjoining bathroom, grabbed Dawn's Swine Flu, and let himself faint.

Arthur fainted manually.

_When there's a Will, there's a Way… out of Dawn's vocal range._

**(I do not own The Keys to the Kingdom (Wednesday rules!), Row-row-row Your Boat, or Lewis Carroll's **_**Alice in Wonderland.**_**)**


	2. Noon's Shopping Dilemma

Noon's Shopping Dilemma

**(Yay, another Keys to the Kingdom story! This one is about Noon's love of shopping! Wahoo! This will be a three-chapter story, with each one focusing on a different Time of Day.)**

"What diseases do you have in stock?" asked Noon, standing at the head of a long line in Port Wednesday.

"We have five Swine Flus, eight Common Colds, three Strep-Throats, four All-Consuming Rashes, and one ultra-rare Ear Infection." The merchant held up a tiny glass, a minute cube sitting in a bed of cotton.

"I'll take them all!" declared Noon, and a gasp ran through the whole crowd.

"But sir, that is… well… six million… oh, Sir Noon! Pardon me. Would you like to put that on Dame Primus's tab?"

"That would be kind of you," said Noon, as he eagerly swept the diseases off the counter and into a bag.

Since anyone could remember, merchants dreaded the weekly visit Noon had to Port Wednesday, where he bought out every shop on the front. On this day, merchants jostled for the back lanes of the port, trying to avoid Noon, and customers got there early, hoping to snatch up a few items before the ravenous Noon arrived.

As Noon left the stall, sicknesses in hand, he heard a Denizen murmur to another, "…Bigger appetite for shopping than Drowned Wednesday…"

"Hey, um, Noon, Dame Primus sez you can't buy any more on her tab, 'cause we're already broke." It was Suzy Turquoise Blue, or Monday's Tierce, struggling with Noon's seven other bags. "And, uh, could you lend a hand?"

Sighing with content, Noon flung some bags into the air, and the stayed there, following the two wherever they went.

Noon's eyes could see what the regular shopper's could not: All the treats and goodies behind shopkeepers, their value, and how he could use them. Games, diseases, toys, books, food… food! A stand selling a new Secondary Realm craze called _dim sum_ was nearby. Pushing through the throngs of people, Noon mumbled, "Dame Primus's tab," and proceeded to swipe a dozen pork buns off the counter, stuffing some in his mouth and some in his pockets and bags.

"Geez, Noon, pace yourself!" Suzy fished a roll of duct tape out of one of the floating bags and attempted to plaster it on Noon's face, but he angrily pushed it away, onto the ground.

Later that day, when Port Wednesday was barren of shops, Noon strolled out of it to a public weirdway sitting on a hill on the outskirts. Suzy had hitched a ride on one of the bags and was floating nearby. "Well, my calculator exploded, so don't ask me how much you spent today, 'cause I sure don't know."

"Calculators! I'll need to buy more of those!"

"Oh, great. Nice job, Tierce." It was Dame Primus, jutting her chin out at the two.

"I am ashamed of you, Noon, and Suzy, expect a punishment."

"For what?"

" For going with Noon. Come here."

Dame Primus gingerly avoided the old Secondary Realm gum stains on the weirdway entrance platform, then stepped into it and disappeared. Noon and Suzy did likewise, and a moment later were in the Atrium, next to a small conveyor belt hidden between two tents. The sweeping golden staircase to the living quarters was nearby.

Dame Primus plucked the shopping bags out of the air and Suzy's arms and placed them on the conveyor belt. They zoomed away, twisting and turning on the Earth contraption until the disappeared into a small window leading to the living quarters. There was a crash heard soon. Noon's room.

The three climbed up the stairs, carpeted with a rich fur carpet, which smelled distinctly like Border Sea water, from the spray in Port Wednesday.

"Ugh," said Dame Primus daintily, plugging her nose. At the top, she commanded the stairs to fold in on themselves, making the living quarters inaccessible (except by wing).

Inside, Dusk was sitting admiring a stout top hat, turning it this way and that, noting to himself its fine edges and firm yet soft inside. Dawn was humming the notes of one of her horrid songs again, drinking a cup of Darjeeling tea. Arthur was looking at some bills in horror. "Noon-" he said in a strangled voice.

Dame Primus ushered Suzy and Noon into a hallway, towards Noon's room, where the chugging of the conveyor belt still filled the air.

The inside was horrid. Mounds of junk defiled the floor, and strong levitation spells held random objects in place on the ceiling. Noon's closet doors had been ripped off and cast aside, only to be stuffed with maps of other realms, Earthly 'Yoga Mats', priceless (or so the merchant said) papyrus scrolls, and so on. The bed had a certain uncomfortable-looking sleeping position wedged between the mounds of books, ink bottles, Frisbees, boxes of pens, to name just a few.

"What hurricane struck _here_?" Suzy asked in wonder, looking about at the misshapen room.

"By the power of the First and Second Keys vested in me, I command Noon to clean out the entirety of his room before he makes one more trip to Port Wednesday." A dozen paper recycling bags appeared out of nowhere and landed on the floor with a tap.

A bright light surrounded Noon, and then the curse set him in motion. He picked up a few random items and began to put them in the bags. "But-I-don't-want-to!" he gasped as he tried to stop himself from flinging a brochure into a bag.

"You'll have to," Dame Primus answered simply.

At that moment, the bell rang at the front door. "Someone with _wings_," croaked Dame Primus angrily. Her voice shifted to a frog's whenever she got mad, and this was no exception. She went to the front door.

"We're the tax collectors, Second Class, and…"

Suzy looked towards Noon sympathetically, then patted him on the top of his bowler hat. "Now not just a millennia of throwing things away, but of being reprimanded by Dame Primus too."

"Fun times," spat Noon as he tossed a make-your-own hat set into a bag.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

_When there's a Will, there's a Way… out of Noon's room._

**(And so, Noon's fail story is done. It's not very focused on Noon specifically, but it's funny and fulfills its purpose. And now, for the final chapter: Dusk!)**


	3. Dusk and His Tea

Dusk and His Tea

**(Wahoo, my favorite Time of Day is next! I also finished Drowned Wednesday, so I have more information about the state of the House.)**

"Hey, anybody want a pack of dirty socks? I never used them," called Noon from his room, where, three months later, he had not even cleared a third of his junk.

"Nah, messy rooms went out of style a few years ago. It's all about clean and presentable rooms now," answered Dawn, who was overlooking The House Times, who's front headline said in bold, dark blue print: DROWNED WEDNESDAY DEAD, LORD ARTHUR ASSUMES CONTROL OF BORDER SEA, and under that, in smaller print, were two subtitles: An Interview with Wednesday's Dawn and newly appointed Noon and Dusk, and Lord Arthur replaced in Secondary Realm?!

"Tell me something I don't know," sighed Dawn unhappily.

"Care for a cup of tea?" asked Dusk anxiously, sounding like a worried mother.

"Haven't you already turned my stomach into a water basin with Darjeeling?" Dawn asked grumpily, jiggling her belly. You could hear the liquid sloshing around inside.

"Oh, but this is green tea, and my own special blend. You must taste it." Dusk paused a moment to lick his lips with his pitch-black tongue, dramatically showing how good the flavor was.

"Um, Dusk, you _always _say that. Anyone care for TV dinner calamari? A map of the Earth? Er… some toy called 'Wooly Willy?" called out Noon.

"Unless it goes well with tea," answered Dusk in a sing-songy voice.

"Well, it looks like the tea will have to wait," a cold voice said behind him. Even Dusk froze at the sound of it, and Noon tried to, but ended up throwing away a lobster skeleton (genuine, with no bones lost).

Dame Primus jutted her chin out at the Times of Day, took one look around the kitchen/dining area, and said with disdain, "Superior Saturday is once again manipulating us. She has used some cruel trick to raise the rates of the following items, assuming they are bought from Port Wednesday: Pencils, Sicknesses, 'Soup-for-One', paper products, and… tea."

Dawn plugged her ears and shut her eyes, and Noon dove into a pile of stuff headfirst to drown out the inevitable.

"WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT?!" Shrieked Dusk. "HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?!" **(A/N: Alice in Wonderland Red Queen reference!) **"I MUST SPEAK WITH LORD ARTHUR AT ONCE!"

"Speaking of which, I must gather together a battle plan for assault of the Great Maze. Excuse me while I go fetch Lord Arthur. Commisionaires!" Dame Primus snapped her fingers, and a score of Commisionaires appeared out of thin air.

Dawn sprinted out of the room and into Noon's bedroom, slamming the door shut, its soundproof walls protecting them from a life of deafness.

Two hours later, Dame Primus appeared in the room, holding a Transfer Plate. "At least I did not land in the kitchen," she said coldly.

"_Please_ don't open the door," begged Dawn, but when she saw the eight-foot tall Will start towards the door, she dove behind a pile of junk.

When she didn't hear screaming, she and Noon (who had temporarily been released from his curse – for a break, as Dame Primus said) cautiously crept out from behind the piles, and saw what Dame Primus was gasping at.

Thousands of pieces of _anything_ were being crammed into the blender by Dusk, who was pouring some of the disgusting-looking liquids into broken teacups. He was smiling manically.

"You're all late for tea, you know," he whispered, then cackled and flung a full teacup across the kitchen, narrowly missing Dame Primus.

"Dusk, don't!" Noon ran forward, but Dusk screamed something and emitted a black glow from his body. Immediately Dame Primus, Noon, and Dawn all sat down.

"We're having a tea party!" Dusk smiled, saying this in a melodious voice. "Yay!"

One very disgusting half-hour later, Dusk was duct-taped to a chair and Commisionaires were sweeping up piles of inner fluids that had come from Monday's Dawn, Noon, and Steward.

"Oh my god!" Dawn shrieked, finally getting her breath back.

Noon carefully fished out a pencil lead from his throat.

"Mmmphmgglrmrph!" Cried Dusk.

Dame Primus carefully pried duct tape away from his mouth.

"Mrrrglemgglr tea! I need tea!"

Out of nowhere Superior Saturday herself appeared.

"I can help with that."

Immediately bags of tea were piled upon the kitchen counter, making strong-smelling mountains everywhere. And out of Dame Primus's room and pockets came banknotes of all sizes, flying through the air, landing in Superior Saturday's gloved hands.

"Thank you," she said, and in an instant was gone.

Dame Primus was left clawing at the air where the banknotes had been.

"Money! Money gone, gone, gone, gone, money, money, gone…"

Dawn looked around the once-spotless kitchen. Noon's rest period had ended, and he was being dragged mercilessly along the ground back to his room by an invisible force. Dusk was cramming teabags into cups of hot water, herbs flying everywhere. Dame Primus was crying, shrieking 'money' at the crumbling floor.

Outside, Denizens were running in circles, screaming and screaming.

"Good lord," said Dawn. "What will I do with these people?"

If Dawn had been a light fixture, the bulb would have lit up brightly.

"I know! I'll sing to them!"

And once again, all movement ceased to be in the Lower House.

_When there's a Will, there's a Way… out of Dusk's kitchen._

**(Yay! It's all done… I could have done a better job with the middle of Dusk's story, but I still love it. What's really depressing is that this is the first multi-chapter story I've finished. Celebrate, because Who? won't be finished for a while.) **


End file.
